CMU April Fools shenanigans

We don’t normally do April Fools gags at CMU, but this one seemed like a lot of fun when we thought it up. Fortuitously (for this story, not EMI), the first of April coincided with the collapse of EMI’s talks with Universal and Sony Music to license out the ailing major’s back catalogue.

Here are some of the bands who didn’t make it into the final story:

Coldplay + Goldfrapp = Coldfrapp
David Guetta + Jet = David Jetta
KT Tunstall + Katy Perry = KT Perry
The 69 Eyes + M83 = The 152 Eyes
Sigur Rós + Joss Stone = Sigur Joss

And here are the ones that did…

EMI to merge bands in new bid to cut costs
Following the news yesterday that all of EMI’s attempts to mortgage its recordings catalogue in the US market had failed, one last bold plan has emerged from the London-based major’s existing management that they hope can stop Citigroup from seizing control of the company when loan repayments become due in May.

It seems increasingly likely that the only way that EMI will now be able to meet its commitments to Citigroup is if it can convince investors in its parent company Terra Firma to cough up more cash. In a bid to get that support, a new internal report has proposed a radical way to enable further cost savings at the already cut-back major, principally by encouraging bands signed to the label to merge their activities, reducing upfront investment costs and financial risks.

The ‘April Report’, a name seemingly referencing the fact the major only has one month to save itself, was distributed yesterday to Terra Firma investors, senior EMI staff and key artist managers, and claims that so called ‘band mergers’ could be the solution to the major’s woes, enabling the record company to better service what some execs see as an overly expansive roster of artists by pooling marketing efforts into combined releases.

The report outlines some of the first band mergers likely to take place as part of the new arrangement, some of which seem to have already been run by affected artists and managers. If the proposals go ahead, Hot Chip will be partnered with Coldplay, and, despite having only just released their latest album ‘One Life Stand’, could be in the studio with their new bandmates and producer Brian Eno as soon as June. The new album from the combined band, working title Coldchip, should be out before Christmas.

While some merged bands will actually collaborate in the studio, other mergers will see American and British artists combined, with the singers performing under a combined brand name, but only in their home territory. This has echoes with the 1960s system where different artists on opposite sides of the Atlantic would release the same songs. It’s thought Katy Perry and Kylie Minogue, or Katy Minogue moving forward, might be the test project in this regard, with Katy representing the combined band brand in the US, and Kylie in the UK and Australia. There are, of course, also carbon footprint benefits to this particular idea.

But possibly the most surprising of the band merger proposals is that artists already involved in multiple projects with the label will have to pick one brand to perform under. This would affect the projects of former Blur members, whose new work would all be released under the Blur name. This would include all Damon Albarn projects, including Gorillaz, and Graham Coxon’s solo work.

Although it’s not clear if the band mergers proposal was included in the previously reported business plan prepared for Terra Firma investors by former EMI CEO Elio Leoni-Sceti, who quit last month, the proposal is now being spearheaded by the company’s Executive Chairman Charles Allen.

He provides the introduction to the April Report, and writes: “While it is no secret that EMI has had its fair share of problems in recent years, I genuinely believe that this measure will secure the company’s short term and long term future. I realise that many music fans will see it as a controversial move, but they must realise that it is a necessary one. Record companies need to keep their costs to an absolute minimum to stay in business, and when innovative solutions like this present themselves, we’d be fools not embrace them”.

Although most affected artists are yet to comment on the report, a source close to Hot Chip’s management last night confirmed that they had been consulted about the proposal the band merge with Coldplay. The source said: “We had our reservations about the Coldchip proposals, but, while driven by commercial necessity, they actually pose some interesting creative challenges that artists will find exciting. The Hot Chip boys are actually looking forward to working with some brand new bandmates. We’re not 100% sure how it’s all going to work yet, but given Coldplay’s huge global fanbase, it’s also a great opportunity for the guys”.

Other mergers proposed in the report include a new band called The Stones consisting of Angus, Julia and Joss Stone, and, perhaps most interestingly artistically speaking, an album by a combined Massive Attack and Liars, whose new moniker may be Massive Liars.

EMI are yet to comment on the leaked report.

See the story on the CMU News-Blog here and in CMU Daily here.

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2 Responses to CMU April Fools shenanigans

  1. A.B says:

    Obviously…Im late to this article, but is this a joke?

    I read this twice over to see if I missed where you may have typed “gotcha”. This is crazy, if there is any truth behind it.

    Aside from this post, its such a shame to see what was once such a great & respected label in the state that its currently in.

    Damn.

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