I would have got a lot more done today if I hadn’t been compelled to stop and stare at this amazing picture of Razorlight at regular intervals. You’ve almost certainly seen this by now, because it’s been all around the internet and back again several times. But just think, there was a point at which this was just a picture that a handful of people had looked at and said, “Yeah, that looks great.”

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UPDATE: Giving this story more attention than is strictly necessary, here’s my editorial from this week’s CMU Weekly:

In these days where companies create content with a view to making it ‘go viral’, it’s always nice to see something genuinely capture the hearts and minds of internet users such that hundreds, thousands, even millions of them feel the need to share it.

This week, it was news of Razorlight’s return that was getting people (not millions, but certainly thousands) excited in this manner. Well, it wasn’t, it was more the press photo that accompanied the news. The fact that Razorlight will return this year with a new album, a headline slot at Guilfest (alongside James Blunt), and an almost entirely new line-up was over shadowed by a strange facial expression and a massive hat.

As far as I can tell, The Quietus takes the prize for putting the picture online first, postulating that the band had morphed into goth legends Fields Of The Nephilim. As the day drew on, it would be suggested that they were trying out for the next ‘Pirates Of The Caribbean’ movie, that Cotton Eye Joe’s frontman had been added to the line-up, and that Johnny Borrell had suffered a stroke.

The picture was reposted thousands of times on blogs, entertainment websites, and social networks, each time met with hilarity. I struggled all day to get anything done, as I fought the compulsion to go and stare at this amazing image one more time. I even missed a bus because of it.

In the end, Razorlight were forced to issue a statement on the matter. Yes, they told us, a photo of the band had been “leaked online”. Apparently I missed the memo where it was announced that “leaked online” had become shorthand for “was sent out to journalists by a PR company”. The statement also revealed that “founder members Bjorn Agren (guitar) and Carl Dalemo (bass) agreed on an amicable parting following unproductive early recording sessions for a new album late last year”.

Considering the metadata on the picture reveals that it was taken in October last year, that doesn’t leave much time for the two new members – Gus Robertson and Freddie Stitz – to have been recruited, which may also account for the awful styling. Though the biggest question of all still remains unanswered – whose idea was the hat?

Noel’s Funny Phone Calls

These days, Noel Edmonds pisses about on Deal Or No Deal pretending to talk to an imaginary bank manager on the telephone. Back in the late 70s he actually phoned real people and messed with their minds. This is the sort of hilarious shit he got up to:

The Paul Daniels Magic Show

Yes, that’s right, the Paul Daniels Magic Show audio book. It’s an audio book of a magic show. Actually, there’s a very simple explanation for how this record came to exist, but it ruins the illusion that it’s an audio recording of a man doing magic tricks. Therefore, I’m keeping it to myself. Instead, let’s just stare down the Daniels tunnel this cover creates and forget I said anything.

I was looking through some second hand vinyl recently and came across this. I think it might be to greatest album cover of all time. It shows an image of the future where tanks are readily available and you can stand up to the government while still looking cool. No unsightly backpacks or balaclavas for these revolutionaries. Sleeves no longer seem popular on men’s jackets – the quick survey I’ve just done based on this picture tells us that 75% of men in the future will remove the arms of the outdoorwear. Presumably the heat given off by all the burning buildings makes going outside uncomfortably warm, whatever the weather.

There’s further evidence of this if we look at the current line of womenswear. Our lone female agitator may have chosen a coat with sleeves, gloves and some pretty heavy-duty boots, but she’s opted for very little else, making this a multi-purpose outfit that can be adjusted for different temperatures.

Actually, for Plasmatics, the self-proclaimed “World’s Greatest Punk Rock Band”, this clothing thought process probably isn’t that far from the truth. When the band came to London to play their first UK show at the Hammersmith Odeon, having built up something of a reputation for blowing up amps and chainsawing guitars on stage, they’d planned to blow up a car by driving it at the stage, which would be loaded with explosives, at the gig’s climax. The authorities got wind of this and wanted to see how the car would be detonated. They were shown and the gig was promptly shut down.

It sounds like the sort of stunt a band might talk up but never plan to carry out in reality. Maybe they didn’t originally, but back in New York the band did stage a free outdoor show where the idea was followed to its conclusion, frontwoman Wendy O Williams apparently leaping out of a Cadillac just before it hit the stage, destroying the car, stage and all the equipment on it.

Despite various other stunts, and releasing five studio albums, of which Coup d’État is the third, the band failed to set the music world on fire (pun, sadly, entirely intended). This is largely because the actual music is, well, let’s just say they probably should have spent a little less time blowing stuff up. Here, have a listen on Spotify for yourself. I’m off to cut the sleeves off my coat.

It goes back to a time when my dad received a letter from a customer apologising for not being in touch for some time because he’d “had a little pat”. A little research uncovered that ‘stroke’ and ‘pat’ equated to the same word in his native language (I can’t remember what it was, possibly French), and he’d therefore chosen the wrong one. Presumably neither word actually translated back to ‘cerebrovascular accident’ in his own language, either.

Sticking with medical terms, I am completely stumped as to what chain of mistranslation could have led to this:

I’m not even sure what ‘AIDS’ should be. Bread? If you know, please explain.

UPDATE: Thanks to Johnski Beat, who found another picture of the same sign in which you can see more of the food on offer. Johnski also points out that flour, cream and sugar are listed below, which suggests something sweet. I can’t see any hot dogs there, so now I’m wondering if ‘hot dogs’ is wrong as well.

The easiest way to get to the bottom of this would be to find someone who speaks Chinese, obviously. That’s too easy, though. Instead, I think I’m going to learn Chinese.

UPDATE: We have an answer! This just in from Johnski:

I have an answer and it’s round and sugary! Apparently it means “Hot dogs and doughnuts”. The last chinese character is pronounced “aydz”. So they’ve just translated the sound. Big thanks to my missus and her Chinese friend for their help with this.

Attrill told the BBC: “The workmen were smiling as they did it – they thought it was funny. I just burst into tears. But a crowd gathered and we managed to get them to stop before destroying it completely. I don’t care about art or politics – I am just an ordinary girl who liked being cheered up by seeing this on my street”.

She continued: “People have always been telling us to sell it or cover it in Perspex, but we only wanted it to be here for the public’s enjoyment. You can’t take a photo if it’s behind a thick plastic screen. We never wanted to make money out of it like many do – but it was a part of our lives. Now it’s gone. People are always doing down Hackney but this was something we could all be proud of”.

Hackney Council’s Alan Laing initially said in a statement: “The council’s position is not to make a judgement call on whether graffiti is art”, although he later added: “Due to a problem at the land registry, unfortunately our letters stating our intention to clean this building didn’t reach the owner. As soon as we realised this, work stopped. We are now speaking with her about how to resolve the issue”.

I have some pictures of it on my phone, if that helps (that’s one of them just up there).

The very first Music Producers Guild Awards took place on 12 Feb at the Café de Paris in London. I know this because I was there. I was there because CMU sponsored the Best Remixer award. Here’s a picture of me, CMU’s Chris Cooke and the winner of the aforementioned award, Calvin Harris. That’s me on the right. I’m not as short as Calvin is making me look. Neither is Chris, although he is shorter than me.

This picture amuses me in so many ways. Thanks to Crustcake for brightening up my day!